In a meeting with a young couple for the first time, I asked, “Tell me what brought you here today?"
“We are arguing more frequently. Sometimes a single argument has gone on for 6 hrs and it gets really ugly. The bad (in the relationship) is starting to outlast the good.”
Many couples can relate to a situation where a simple conversation in one minute turns into a full-fledged argument at its worst: name-calling, yelling, cursing, saying incendiary things that are designed to hurt. Each conflict can result in further disconnect, resentment, and tension. unresolved. Couples now feel powerless over the feelings of loneliness, doubt, uncertainty, and fear.
Having methods and strategies to interrupt /disrupt the negativity, the tension, and animosity is critical. Taking the “edge” off the downward argumentative spiral is a must have for the couples that are serious about making their love last.
What is Empathy?
Roman Krznaric defines empathy as the art of imaginatively stepping into another person's shoes, understanding their feelings or perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.
The internet definition describes empathy as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
For example, "He has a total lack of empathy for anybody".
Empathy is an essential and necessary ingredient of a long-lasting successful partnership.
“Empathy is commonly compared to sympathy but empathy is much more. Empathy has at least two important elements.”
Here in Part 1 of this blog series, we will discuss the first element.
According to author Dr. William Miller Ph.D in his book Lovingkindness, "One element of empathy is internal and motivational—a desire to understand someone else’s perspective and experience. People vary widely in their desire to understand their partner's perspective."
Motivation is everything. For the NFL football fans, the motivation and desire to watch their preferred team (s) rise, as the motivation to do other things drastically drops.
It's been said that couples argue about the same themes again and again. Core issues that never get resolved or negotiated. Examples of disagreements include infidelity, broken trust, parenting, finances/money management, and blended families.
If ignored or not dealt with, it will grow in a negative momentum: the emotional roller coaster or like a rat on a wheel (running ourselves ragged, running in place miserably and unconsciously toward an unknown goal.)
How to Cultivate Empathy in Your Relationship
Ask the following:
-What do I already know about empathy? Given the qualities stated above, how well or not well am I?
-How motivated have I been to deeply understand my partner's emotions and ideas about x.y, or z?
Understanding and Practicing Empathy
-Think of the last conflict or argument with your partner. How well did you listen to understand and not respond (focus just on listening to your partner)?
-Reflect back to your partner and remember some or all the words that they used.
For example, "You said you only trust me 30% of the time and that it's hard for you to believe that I am telling you the truth"
Now put yourself in your partner's shoes and guess what your partner might be feeling.
Are you fearful and very much worried that they might lie and go back to seeing her/him again?
Listen closely, reflect, and imagine how your partner feels.
As a partner who wants to make your love last, be willing, open, and ready to consider your partner's perspective.
Stay tuned to part 2 of Relationship Empathy.
Ready to Enhance Your Relationship with Empathy?
If you’re tired of recurring arguments and want to cultivate a deeper understanding with your partner, consider seeking professional couples therapy guidance. Together, we can explore the vital ingredients of a successful relationship and develop strategies to strengthen your bond. Don’t wait any longer—get in touch with Pathways to Empowerment in Overland Park today at 816-805-0732 or dneal@pathwaystoempowerment.net to schedule a couples therapy session today and take the first step toward healthier communication and a stronger relationship.